Thoughts on old beginnings

There is an odd loneliness to starting over in a new place. I shouldn’t claim that I am starting over exactly, just moving back into an old shell with a new body. I recently moved back home after being away for college and a year post grad. It has been a couple months and don’t consider myself adjusted, despite having adopted a routine. I feel like I went from living a vibrant life in color, then was abruptly yanked back to black and white. Weeks go by feeling more like a to-do list than an experience. Go to your graduate classes. Check. Attend weekly research meetings. Check. Be at church 9 am sharp, third pew behind your parents. Check. My task oriented life has gotten pretty monotonous, and on the surface it would seem like I’m fine. I guess I’m learning the difference between being busy and feeling fulfilled. I thought that if I was busy I wouldn’t have time to feel lonely. Maybe I was trying convince myself that going back to school wouldn’t be a big change. Now that I’m in the middle of it, my expectation for life in my sleepy suburb were a little high. For the last five years I was constantly meeting new people, with life experiences very different from mine. People who were passionate about something, and involved with everything. Peers who were just as curious about life as me. It was comforting and fun to move through life together, and many times I took it for granted. I have always had close friends right near me, until now.

Don’t get me wrong, I love all the things I am involved with. I know how lucky I am to have a family who loves and supports me. Also, I appreciate that I can afford to go back to school and invest in my education and my future. The biggest surprise moving back home was, ironically, that there are no surprises. No excitement. Nothing going on. When I left five years ago, I was a different man than who came back last June, and I still can’t fit back into my old life. Really this is a wake-up call that I should stop trying. I am now realizing that I need to build a new life here, and stop waiting for it to magically come together and fall into my lap. Here is to new beginnings.

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